I was looking back to see if you were looking back to see if I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me

I was looking back to see, if you were looking back to see, if I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me. It something my mom use to say quite often and this quote came to mind when I started thinking today about how I haven't spoken to a certain friend in quite awhile. I was missing my friend and wondering if my friend was missing me. I was thinking about how long it had been since I had talked to my friend and I was feeling a tad bit lonely. There is a huge part of me that wonders if my friend feels lonely with out me being around. Of course, I haven't spoken to this friend because the last time I spoke to him, he pretty much blew me off, so I figured I would give him his space and when he needed me he would come around. Ya see, this is a cycle between us. I am typically the one who makes the effort to keep in contact, if I don't then we go long periods of time without speaking. That's how I know that he's not thinking about me and he's not missing me. The way I see it is if he missed my friendship and he noticed I had not contacted him in a while, then if he really missed our conversations then he would have made an effort to contact me, but he hasn't. He hasn't texts, no facebook messages, no posts, no IMs, nothing. However, I'm not surprised. We use to be such close friends, we were best friends but times change and people change and well lets face it, we have both changes a lost since college.

I know the next time he needs me for something, whether it's girlfriend problems, or a question about the bible or psychology then he'll come around and ask me like we had just talked yesterday, but until then, I won't hear a word. He'll never make the effort to just say hey. The next time I hear from him it will be because he wants something. And ya know what, I'll be there because that's what friends do. Even though often times I have asked him to help me with something and he blows me off telling me he doesn't have time but never making an effort to make time, I'll still be there because that's what friends do, at least that is what I do for my friends. He's not a bad kid. He puts up with me which is a handful all in itself. I just miss my friend. The one who was standing outside my window at some crazy early hour in the morning to ride with me to Fayetteville to attend a job fair, just because I didn't want to go by myself. I miss my friend who use to want to teach me how to build a computer. I miss my friend who yelled at me when I was upset because I didn't have a perfect 4.0 and I wasn't feeling smart enough. He yelled at me because even though I won't perfect, he still believed in me and believed I was smart enough and good enough to be successful at anything I wanted. Yeah and even though we may still be friends, it's not the same type of friendship.

I know I should just grow up and get over it. I've made a lot of strides, but there are times when I just miss the good ole days. I think the biggest problem is I have never gotten close enough to another person or been that comfortable around someone to develop a friendship that could replace his. I am not a social person and I don't make friends easily. I have very few people I call true friends. However, one the flip side, I am pretty sure he has replaced me with multiple people. He says we will always be friends and I am not saying we are not friends because I still consider him a friend. It's just that I miss being his real friend. I miss knowing I'm worth it.

I am 900+ miles away from my family and friends and it would be nice if once in a while it would be nice to get a text or heaven forbid, a call, just saying hey. Just letting me know I'm worth it. I'm worth taking a few moments out of your life to say hello. I'm worth making an effort to keep in contact. I'm worth it. I'm worth it.

In the midst of all of this though, I am reminded of the one person who truly does believe I am worth it. God has never left me nor forsaken me. He loves me and wants to be BFFs. Our friendship has not grown distant over the years, it has grown stronger, just like true friendships should and anytime our friendship has become distant it is because I have stopped making the effort I should to stay close because my God will never stop pursuing me and loving me. God thinks I'm worth it.

So even though I may miss my friend and miss the way things use to be, I am comforted by the one true friend who truly has never left me nor forsaken me. He loves me and He totally thinks I'm worth it.